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1/15/05 4:05 pm.
Although i should feel hppy because today is a saturday and there is no school, i feel like crap, I am depressed, sad,
lonely, and tired. I had TaekWonDo today. That usually makes me happy. but, not today however. My cat pissed on my uniform
and after washing it, there was a floresencent stain covering parts of the shirt and pants. I participated anywys, wearing
a hoodie and black pants. i ate too much already today. I am not doing well on that mission either. After TaekWonDo, i had
a bacon and cheese omelette, potatos, and toast with butter and jelly. when i got home i had four carnation instant breakfasts
and a quart of iced tea. I also had two creme filled doughnuts. but i am still hungry. i saw my aunt Linda and uncle Pete
today. they are going to Florida. i am supposed to go woth them, but may not be allowed. I made my fifth cut today, after
looking online at tattoos. it is a small star on my left foot. now I have five cuts in total. i hope that this one will leave
a good scar, because it looks so cute, or it will, when the swelling of my foot goes down. I also experimented a little bit
with burning today. I branded my arm with a triangle. it doesn't hurt today, but it sizzled and smelled bad. the skin around
it is sort of brown and rolled looking. my poarents went out anf bought me a present. they just got home. got to go. ~Jess
2/11/05 2:48 pm
skipped school today .... felt like shit...i have been eating whole raw coffee beans lately to get the amount of caffeine
that my boday is already used to... thought a lot about Earl today....mainly about fucking him.....got my period....first
time in 6 months....think that it's because i started to eat again a couple of weeks ago....i also gained weight....i am back
to 138...fat, fat, fat, and ugly!!!! ooohh. i hate myself....the slice around my ankle has healed and has turned into a white
line b/c i started tanning...the star on my foot is still a scab...it has shrunk condiserably and i am not sure that it will
leave a scar...if it doesn't i will just cut another star, only bigger, much bigger. the triangular burn on my arm has become
a pale pink and shiny there is a small circularscab in the center, it never hurt. i am going to try to get back in the anorexic
groove again by Florida. March 19th. if i stop eating now... i will be skinny by then. today didn't go well....3 chewy chocolate
chip granola bars...1 cheesse quasildilla...1 biscuit....and a whole frecetta pizza...i am gonna starve the rest of the day
off....maybe i will caffeine overdose tonight and not sleep to keep burning calories....tomarrow lunch will be a problem,
it always is..
~jess
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The dull pain caresses my stomach,
followed by a sharp stab.
hunger.
it is the enemy.
yet, it is inevitable.
Water,
is the only nutrition,
for the body and soul.
Food is destructive.
slowly decaying my body
with each bite i take.
nevermore
forever empty
of food,
of sin,
my body glides along.
disconnected from the world.
the feeling of purity prevails
euphoria spreads
as the excess sheds
a new me emerges
severed from friends and family
shivering alone.
~jess
As the knife nears my wrist,
i shudder.
My hand shakes,
i have cut before,
but the feeling of uneasiness returns,
every time
The cold steel
meets my clammy skin
i feel naucious.
i pause.
words pounding in my throbbing head.
form the father
and my "friends"
the warm tears slide down my cheeks.
my arm shakes as i dig the knife into it.
after a minute
the blood begins to flow.
i stare, as if disconnected from my body
blood drips to the floor
startled, i tightly wrap the wound.
curling in bed
pain takes over
yet somehow,
the real pain is gone.
~jess
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